Transcript and images from The Tony Danza Show

Tony Danza

Tony: Our next guest, another great guy, he went from traveling through time as Sam Beckett on "Quantum Leap," to traveling through space as Captain Jonathan Archer on "Enterprise." Take a look at some of his work...

Scene from "Star Trek: Enterprise"

Sal: Vic's been arrested.

Alicia: When?

Carmine: A few hours ago.

Sal: The Gestapo's clearing out entire buildings, shooting people on the street. They're looking for you. The Germans are offering $10,000 for information leading to your capture -- why?

Archer: I can't tell you.

Sal: Look, you son of a bitch, my friend is probably being tortured right now. I want to know why!

Archer: It's classified.

Tony: Oooh! Ooh! Please welcome, "It's classified," Scott Bakula.

( Applause )

Scott: Hi there, big guy, how are you?

Tony: Nice to see you. Thank you for coming.

Scott: My pleasure.

Tony: Have a seat right here, sir.

Scott: All right. Hah-ha!

Tony: Oh, yeah. What do you think? Live!

Scott: Classified. Live!

Tony: Live. I heard you have a wardrobe malfunction? No, never mind.

Scott: No. Nothing planned.

Tony: No, nothing planned. Last night I saw you --

Scott: No kilt.

Tony: Another guy I saw -- everybody comes on here, I've seen at Dodgers Stadium. You know, because we do that Hollywood Stars game every year.

Scott: Yeah. Yeah.

Tony: I saw you out there, when... I think that's the last time we saw each other. Am I right?

Scott: Yeah. It's two summers ago.

Tony: It's two years ago. Right.

Scott: I was hurting.

Tony: Yeah.

Scott: I was hurting. I hurt my back, and you were pitching; and I think I... somebody gave you the word not to pitch to me, because --

Tony: Well, I drilled the guy in front of you.

Scott: You did.

Tony: Remember? I drilled the guy.

Scott: Yes, I do! Oh, yeah.

Tony: Because that's... my plan is I just hit the first guy. Then I... then everybody is afraid; I pitch pretty good after that. You know!

Scott: I was afraid! I was very afraid. But, happily, I couldn't swing the bat that day, because my back was out. So, I'd gone... my kids were like, you know, "You've got to play!" I couldn't tie my shoes. You know, how when your back goes out, and you can't tie your shoes; you can't even put them on. "You got to play, dad, you got to play!" So, I went down there, all wrapped up; and, happily, you were kind enough to let me walk.

Tony: Aw, come on now. No.

Scott: I walked to first base.

Tony: I think I was scared of you, too.

Scott: ( Laughs )

Tony: Now, listen, speaking of that, we've been talking all week, you know -- because it's baseball playoff time -- I know you happen to be a big St. Louis Cardinals fan. Am I right?

Scott: Very big.

Tony: Okay.

Scott: Very big.

Tony: Okay. Now, the Cardinals won again, last night, folks. If you've been watching the show, you know I've been talking about the "Curse of the LoDuca."

Scott: ( Laughs )

Tony: What this is, the Dodgers traded the heart and soul of their team, after going like 27 and 6 --

Scott: Yup.

Tony: And I think it's going to come back to haunt them.

Scott: It already has.

Tony: And now --

Scott: It already has.

Tony: Yes, and I thought the curse of LoDuca would hold out; they would get closer.

Scott: Yeah.

Tony: But, it may actually -- this is the first year of the curse -- so they may get out early on. I don't know.

Scott: It may go fast. Well, you know, it's hard to root against the Dodgers when you live in L.A., but --

Tony: Especially when you know Lasorda.

Scott: Yeah. Yeah!

Tony: Forget it, you know

Scott: You can't.

Tony: Yeah, he comes to your house and beats you up.

Scott: That's right.

Tony: You know. Uh, how about... What's it like working on the show? I saw you with Steve Schirripa, another one of our pals.

Scott: Yeah.

Tony: What's it like doing the show?

Scott: It's great. It's great.

Tony: It looks like so much fun.

Scott: It's a blast. And, you know, we tell these great stories that are parallel to a lot of things that are happening on the planet today. But, they're...

Tony: Yeah.

Scott: ...they're once removed, you know. So, that's kind of the great legacy of "Star Trek," as you can kind of tell those stories. And, I have a great cast to work with. And, I get to stay at home; I'm not traveling to various places to do other work, and you know what that's like.

Tony: And how many... How old are the kids?

Scott: My oldest is 20, and I've got a 5 year-old, so... and two more in between. So, I got a lot of kids going on.

Tony: Yeah, you got a lot of kids. Wow. All right. And this is the fourth year of the show, am I right? It's the fourth season.

Scott: Yeah.

Tony: We congratulate you and wish you the best of luck.

Scott: Thank you. Thank you.

Tony: Um, you know, Scott...

Scott: Uh-oh.

Tony: I understand that you recently joined the club. The Club.

Scott: The club?

Tony: The club.

Scott: Which club?

Tony: The club of, um... the club where you start waking up with injuries.

Scott: Oh.

Tony: You know, when you turn 50...

Scott: Oh!

Tony: ...the Big Five-Oh. I think --

Scott: I read about that.

Tony: I think you had a big birthday, am I right?

Scott: It's, actually, tomorrow. (October 9th)

Tony: Tomorrow.

( Applause )

Tony: Well, because of that, because of that -- oh, and in honor of the birthday...

Scott: Yeah.

Tony: This is how cool, this is... You ran the marathon.

Scott: Yeah.

Tony: You ran a marathon, at 50.

Scott: Yeah.

Tony: See, there's hope, folks. There really is.

Tony: There he is. And, I understand that you found out there's a trick to running the marathon, aside from training, and will, and maybe insanity.

Scott: Well, yes.

Tony: What is the other trick?

Scott: Vaseline.

Tony: Vaseline.

( Light laughter )

Scott: Yes... Yes... Yes.

Tony: Could you explain that to the audience, please?

Scott: Uh, well, there's a lot of chafing that goes on --

Tony: ( Laughs )

Scott: You know, over... over a period of, you know, four hours or so.

Tony: Especially if you're wearing a shirt.

Scott: Oh, yeah. You got... I realized... you got to wear your shirt, you know, because you got to have your number on it. Some people take the shirt off and put the number down there.

Tony: Yes.

Scott: Which I may do. But, that's not the only place we're talking chafing.

Tony: Yeah. I see.

Scott: But, they have these little Vaseline stations.

Tony: Oh, well, that's --

Scott: There are people standing there, and this is, like, a job you don't... If you ever apply to work at a marathon -- which is a great thing to do, because everything goes to a good cause -- but, you'd maybe not want to be in the Vaseline group...

Tony: Yeah, nah.

Scott: Because you stand there with a big tongue-depressor, with a big glob of Vaseline.

Tony: Ah, and they come by and grab --

Scott: And people run by and they grab it, you know.

Tony: All right. Well, look...

Scott: "Don't take the tongue depressor!" It's like, "Why? What am I going to do with a tongue depressor?"

( Laughter )

Tony: For your 50th birthday, we decided to do a little something for you. So, we got you a gift. Stay there. Stay there.

( Danza fetches a big wrapped box. Applause. )

Tony: Stay there. Stay there. Okay.

( Danza opens the box, starts placing items onto Scott's lap. )

Tony: My favorite cereal, Raisin Brand. A "Department of Sanitation" hat. A Norelco electric shaver. Oh, you got to get your Trump doll, "You're fired!"

Scott: ( Laughing )

Tony: Some Tony Danza wine. Some support socks. Green tea. Excedrin PMs, they help. This is big: Metamucil, I like that a lot.

( Applause. Scott laughs. )

Tony: Here's one of my CDs, you're going to be the only one with it; one of Regis', and a Rat Pack CD, we got a Rat Pack. Here's a Sanitation Department shirt.

( Scott puts on the Sanitation Department cap. )

Tony: We got a Magic Ball, if you got any questions. Got your Cardinals jersey.

Scott: Oh, nice!

( Applause )

Tony: Some parmesan cheese from Balducci's. You always need yogurt; you always need yogurt.

Tony: Here's a seeded puglisi, ladies and gentlemen.

Scott: A seeded puglisi. Beautiful.

( Bakula takes a bite out of the loaf. )

Tony: A cigar. Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait. Here's little Tommy Lasorda. Listen. "Hey everybody, this is Tommy Lasorda." Okay, here you go.

( Laughter and applause )

Tony: Here's a couple of six packs of Heineken.

( Cheers. Scott puts the cigar in his mouth. )

Tony: Oh, you're going to need Bengay, that's for sure. Suzanne Somers' book

Scott: Ah!

Tony: "Tony Danza Show." Some Patsy's... you got to get some Patsy's Sauce.

( Bakula puts Danza Show cap atop DSNY cap. )

Tony: You're going to need these eyeglasses, that's for sure. Some Curel, some Breathe Right, some Jelly Bellies. Some chocolate covered... Oh, this is a Tony Danza shirt. Don't forget, we got the Vaseline.

Scott: Ayyy!

( Cheers and applause )

Tony: I got an autographed photo. "A view from the Bridge." Some Altoids. Wait. Here's some... my Curel, I like that too. And, if you don't have anybody to drink with...

Scott: Yes?

Tony: If you don't have anybody to drink with, I got this for you.

( Danza brings out a life-size cutout. Applause )

Tony: That's me. That's me.

( Applause )

Tony: Thanks for doing the show.

( Danza kisses Bakula on the cheek. )

Tony: Happy birthday. "Enterprise" premieres tonight, at 8 o'clock. We'll be right back.

( Cheers and applause. End of Scott Bakula's segment. )

See and hear the Bakula-Danza smooch. To play video clip: Right-click this picture, then select Play (For continuous replay, first select Loop, then Play.)

ROBOSAPIEN: Interactive Robot Loaded with attitude and intelligence, ROBOSAPIEN is the first robot based on the science of applied biomorphic robotics. Designed by a scientist, ROBOSAPIEN is ready to go right out of the box (just install his batteries). He comes to life at a touch of the ergonomically designed remote controller! Command him to perform one of his pre-programmed functions or program your own sequence of functions. The only limitation is your own imagination! ROBOSAPIEN is packed with an awesome number of features made possible by advanced technologies... Fluid motions and gestures: Fast dynamic 2-speed walking and turning; full-function arms with two types of grippers. 67 pre-programmed functions: Pick-up, throw, kick, dance, kung-fu, fart, belch, rap and more; 3 demonstration modes. Fully programmable by remote control: Up to 84 program steps with 4 program modes for advanced operations; programmable reflexes to sound and touch stimuli. Fluent international caveman speech. Extended battery life. Stands 18-inches (46 cm) tall! About the designer: Mark, the designer of ROBOSAPIEN, is a robotics physicist who has worked for NASA, DARPA, and JPL through Los Alamos National Laboratory. He developed the basics for biomorphic robotics in 1988; ROBOSAPIEN is the first commercially available robot based upon this principle.