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Transcript and images from the Tony Danza Show
Original broadcast: Friday, December 10, 2004.
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( Applause )
Tony: Set your phasers on fun. Here's Emmy winner William Shatner.
( Cheers and applause. Shatner appears. )
Tony: Hey! Hi-ya, man, thank you for coming. Have a seat. (Pointing to standing audience members.) Hey, look at that. How about that, huh?
Shatner: Those people aren't standing.
Tony: I know, that side. This is your side of the audience.
Shatner: That side --
Tony: That's your side. Have a seat. That's your --
Shatner: Why... Why did they stand, and they didn't?
( Light laughter )
Tony: Well, I'll tell you why: Because we got a game set up... For the game we're going to play later, called "I know Shatner," and that's your side of the audience.
( Cheers and applause )
Shatner: I got one individual.
Tony: Oh, look, there's a couple of traitors over there! How are you, sir?
Shatner: Now, good.
Tony: What do you mean, "Now?" What --
Shatner: Now that I'm here and seeing you, ...
Tony: Oh, good. I appreciate you being here.
Shatner: ...my old Malibu friend.
Tony: That's true, huh! I appreciate... We go way back.
Shatner: You're gone.
Tony: I know. I'm a New York guy, now.
Shatner: Uh, the restaurant...
Tony: I'm rooting -- I'm rooting for the Yankees.
Shatner: ...is lesser for... Yeah! There's nothing to root for in Los Angeles.
Tony: That's for sure. Anyway. I was mad at the Dodgers when they traded LoDuca, anyway. The curse of the LoDuca; I put that on them.
Shatner: Ah, it's an Italian name, who cares?!
Tony: At this show, big time!
Shatner: Eh, Danza! Eh, Danza!
Tony: So, you know, we go way back. First time we actually met, um, we had a little problem.
Shatner: We did?
Tony: Yes, because you were the captain of the "Battle of the Network Stars" team for ABC. Remember, they used to do "Battle of the Network Stars"; and I was on the team --
( Applause )
Shatner: You don't look that old.
Tony: I was on the team.
Shatner: Yeah.
Tony: It was like, you know, Battle Stars...
Shatner: Galactica.
Tony: ...of the Network, 17, something like that.
Shatner: Really?
Tony: Yeah. So, it had been going -- in fact, Howard Cosell was the announcer. He said to me, when he saw me, he went, "Tony Danza, you are the worst fighter I have ever seen."
( Light laughter )
Tony: It was a rough day. But, do you remember? Do you remember what happened?
Shatner: Uh, no. I have no recollection of the event, at all.
Tony: All right. Well, what happened was, is that, we were getting ready to play football, which is one of the events, and I said "Bill, put me in. I'm good. Put me in."
Shatner: Yeah. Yeah.
Tony: And you benched me. You didn't use me.
Shatner: You know why?
Tony: Why?
Shatner: You were the clumsiest --
( Laughter )
Shatner: This ex-punk comes in, "Eh, I'm a fighter." How do you slip a punch, Tony?
Tony: You slip a punch by... You see, what it is is, um, when you are used to seeing punches --
Shatner: Come on, stand up.
Tony: Well, okay.
( Shatner and Danza stand, taking a sparring pose )
Tony: When you're used to seeing punches --
Shatner: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Tony: All right. So, what happens -- a guy throws a punch at you, and you're not used to it, you go (ducking) "Ahhh!"
Shatner: Yeah. Yeah.
Tony: Right? Okay, but, if you're used to it -- if your jab comes like, at my nose --
Shatner: Yeah. Okay, I'm coming. Here I come. (tosses a straight left jab)
Tony (bobbing his head aside): I just put my head here.
Shatner: Okay, but what happens if my --
Tony: No, no. It goes right there.
Shatner: What if it doesn't go there? What if it's going there!? (taps Tony's chin)
Tony: Well, sometimes you don't slip them. That's the idea. But, sometimes --
Shatner: Oh, but, what... You're just standing there! Look. You just stand there.
Tony: That's all you do! I just move just a tiny bit. And then, when you do that, then you're ready to "Pow! Pop!"
Shatner: Oh, I see. Aha!
Tony (laughing): Get out of here!
( Laughter and applause )
Tony: So -- you kill me -- so, you know, we had, uh --
Shatner: But, wait a minute. What kind of a fight? I... Have you ever done this? I mean, I don't want to go into old information, but, I'm fascinated by the fact that you sing, so well...
Tony: Thank you.
Shatner: ...you're such a funny guy, and you were a boxer. I mean, it just doesn't seem right.
Tony: Well, you know, we... I grew up in a neighborhood, in New York, where, uh, fighting was sort of like another game we played.
Shatner: Yeah.
Tony: You know. It was either, like, "You want to play punch ball, or stick ball, or let's get into a fight." You know, it's like that kind of a thing.
( Light laughter )
Shatner: Yeah.
Tony: So, it was really part of me, uh, growing up. That's what we did.
Shatner: But, then you became a professional fighter.
Tony: Then I got... A couple of guys challenged me. Actually, they just entered me in the Golden Gloves, as a joke; because, in New York, you just fill out the entry blank, in the daily news. I got the notice for, you know, to report for my physical -- I thought I got drafted, for a second, you know.
( Light laughter )
Tony: But, I went, and I did pretty well my first year; and I got hooked.
Shatner: How well?
Tony: I went to the semifinals, my first year. I knocked out the first six guys I fought.
Shatner: And then what happened? How good did you --
Tony: Then I got knocked out. I got knocked out, and then, uh, and then I turned pro -- I went one more year in the Golden Gloves, then I turned pro. And, I boxed for about three years; and, I was a ten round... but, I was a club fighter.
Shatner: Did you make money?
Tony: I made a little money, but, you know, what I tried to do --
Shatner: What were you trying to do? Why were you --
Tony: I wanted to be champion of the world!
Shatner: Ah.
( Laughter )
Shatner: And, now you are!
( Applause )
Tony: Yeah. I, well, you know. I... I... You know what's funny is, it just turned into your talk show. I just noticed.
( Laughter )
Tony: But, um, you know, we had Jason Alexander here, the other day.
Shatner: Why?
Tony: Well, that's a good question.
( Shatner and the audience chuckle )
Tony: But, we, um... He's got a new show. But, he does a great imitation of you, you know.
Shatner: No, he doesn't.
Tony: Yes, he does.
Shatner: No, he doesn't.
Tony: Oh, well, let me just show... Can I show it to you?
Shatner: Please.
Tony: Because I got it. Take a look at this...
Jason Alexander: I... I can do most of the original "Star Trek" episodes, pretty much line for line.
Tony: Line for line.
Jason: And as him, by the way.
Tony: How... Could we see a little?
Jason (in Kirk-speak): "Risk! Risk... is our business. That's what this starship is all about. That's why we're aboard...!"
( Applause )
Shatner: That's pretty good. That's pretty good.
( Applause )
Shatner: Almost as good as mine.
Tony: Yeah. He was good, though.
Shatner (in Kirk-speak): "Almost... as good as mine."
Tony: Aha.
( Light laughter )
Tony: So, you like doing "Boston Legal"?
Shatner: "Boston Legal" is sexy...
Tony: Yeah.
Shatner: ...it's intelligent, and it's entertaining. It's on Sundays at 10 o'clock, on ABC.
Tony: Wait, we're going to do... wait, we have time --
Shatner: I thought I'd mention it, while I was passing by!
( Light laughter )
Tony: Wait, wait. You won an Emmy, though...
Shatner: I won an Emmy.
Tony: ...and this is --
Shatner: How did you know that?
Tony: Because, I, I... know, you know. Congratulations, and, um, deservedly so; the show is great. I really like it. I had, uh, I had the opportunity to do "The Practice," a couple of times. I know you were there; that's how this all started.
Shatner: Did you win an Emmy?
Tony: No, I got nominated.
Shatner: Everybody else... You got nominated?!
Tony: I got nominated, though. I did.
( Shatner high-fives Tony )
Tony: Thank you.
Shatner: You should have won!
( Applause )
Tony: Should have won. All right. Look. We know that you are... You always have eighteen thousand things going on in your life.
Shatner: Yes.
Tony: Okay, and we want to give you a chance and see... but we want to do it as... like a little contest. We want to see how many plugs you can get in, in 30 seconds.
Shatner: Okay. But, remember, it's not the number, it's the quality!
Tony: Yes. Absolutely, yes. Absolutely.
Shatner: So, if I do one plug for 30 seconds --
Tony: Well, I guess, no. We want to see...
Shatner: All right. No. Okay.
Tony: We want to see how good you are.
Shatner: All right. All rrrr rarr rrrar...
Tony: Okay. You ready?
Shatner: Yeah.
Tony: Put 30 seconds on the clock, please. All right, there you go. Where is his camera? Right here, right? Camera three? Okay. Ready, and go!
Shatner: "Has Been," a great album, got stunning notices; it's in your neighborhood stores, and stores that are beyond your neighborhood.
( A bell dings, counting the plug )
Shatner: But... uhhhh... heh-heh... uhhhh... "Invasion Iowa" --
Tony: Invasion Iowa!
Shatner: "Invasion Iowa"; going to be on Spike television in March, great reality show. Ummmm. Dari, D-A-R-I, Ventura Boulevard, great women's store.
( Ding. Light laughter )
Shatner: Uhhh... uhhhh... C.O.R.E., C--O--R--E, great --
( Ding. Shatner pauses. )
Tony: They're just giving you --
Shatner: Is that the telephone? Oh. C.O.R.E., a great, uh...
( Buzzer. Time's up. )
Shatner: ...computer graphics firm in --
( Applause )
Tony: Bill.
Shatner: No. No. No. Give me another 30 seconds.
Tony: No, let me get "Boston Legal." Let me do "Boston Legal," because --
Shatner: Okay.
Tony: I'm really... I'm into the show --
Shatner: Don't stutter, the way I did.
Tony: No, no, no. Listen... wh-when we... wh-whuh... "Boston Legal" is on ABC.
Shatner: You're stuttering!
Tony: It's catching! When we come back, we'll see who knows more about Bill, me or him, in a game we like to call "I know Shatner." So, don't go away.
( Cheers and applause. Commercial break... )
Announcer: Here's your host, Ereka Vetrini...
Ereka: Welcome to "I know --
Shatner: There's something the matter with that girl's ears!
Ereka: I'm "Vulcon Vetrini" to you, Mr. Shatner.
Tony (rings his bell): Vulcan Vetrini.
Ereka: Ayyyy!
Tony: Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.
Ereka: Welcome to "I know Shatner." I'm your host, from the planet of Vulcon, Ereka Vetrini.
Tony: It's Vulcan, not Vulcon!
Ereka: Vulcan. Sorry.
Shatner (to Tony): Every time you go like that (rings his bell) I want to come out and fight.
Ereka: All right, let's meet our contestants. You know them already. Mister...
Tony: Uh, oh, yes, I'm Tony Danza -- and I know Shatner!
( Applause )
Ereka: Highly illogical.
Shatner: And I... am William Shatner, and I'm forgetting Shatner.
Tony: No, no!
( Laughter )
Ereka: All right, here's how it works: I'm going to ask Tony and William about his life and career. First person to ringing gets a chance to answer it. If you get it wrong, your opponent gets a chance to answer it.
Tony: All right.
Ereka: Okay?
Tony: Yeah.
Ereka: If Tony wins, the right side of the audience gets a portable CD player from Amazing Savings.
Tony: Here it is. Here it is. I have it right here. (holds up CD player)
( Cheers from right side of audience )
Ereka: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tony: Here it is. Auto-skip player.
Ereka: Where you can get brand name merchandise, for less.
Shatner: Tony Stanza.
Ereka: But, if William wins, the left side gets the CD player.
( Cheers from left side of audience )
Shatner: That's my side!
Tony: Okay, here we go. Let's go.
Ereka: Are you guys ready? Hands on the buzzers. No cheating. Question number one: Bill played the title role in the hit TV show "T. J. Hooker" --
( Shatner rings his bell )
Ereka: Ahhh!
Tony: Hey...!
Shatner: I know.
Ereka: What did "T. J. Hooker" stand for?
Shatner: I know what she was going to say. "Thomas Jefferson."
Tony: Nuh, you!
( Cheers from left side of audience )
Ereka: One for Mr. Shatner.
Tony: I think you've got to wait until the question comes out!
Shatner: The question was out!
Tony: The question... She was in the middle of the question!
Shatner: Ayyy!! (holds up his fists)
Tony: All right!
Ereka: No fighting over here. When Bill was growing up in Montreal, Canada, he had a job delivering hotdogs for a local restaurant. What was the name of the restaurant?
( Shatner pounds his ringer; feigns injury. Laughter. )
Ereka: William, you get first shot.
Shatner: "Orange Julius."
Audience member: No!
Shatner: "Julep!"
Ereka: Yeah!
( Applause )
Shatner: Julep! Julep! Julep!
Tony: Awww!
Ereka: Beam him up.
Tony: That's not fair. Cheater! Cheater!
Ereka: Okay, question number three: Which one of Bill's champion horses did he ride on in the 1994 film "Star Trek: Generations"?
Tony: Um. Um. Uhhhh...
Audience member: Come on, Tony!
( Shatner slams his ringer )
Tony (to Shatner): I remember... I can't remember... it's, um... You have two champions.
Shatner: "T.J."
Ereka (noises to the negative): Mmmmtt, mmmmmttt, mmmrrruh...
Shatner: "T.J."
Tony: No, it's the "Battle of the Network Stars" or something.
Ereka: Wrong, both of you. "Great Bells of Fire."
Tony: "Great Bells of Fire." Son of a gun. All right.
Ereka: Now we're getting to know Shatner. Here we go.
Tony (to Shatner): Why don't you give me some of these answers?!
Ereka: Question number four: "Hukbar" and "kreplach"; which word is Klingon...
( Danza slams his ringer )
Ereka: ...and which word is Yiddish?
Tony: I got it! "Kreplach" is Yiddish, and the other one is Klingon.
( Right-wing applause )
Ereka: Yeah, yeah.
Tony: All right. I'm in the game! Don't worry, gang.
Shatner: But, you can eat either one of them!
Tony: Oh, is that true?
( Laughter )
Tony: No, I think it means... What does it mean? That word means something. That word means something!
Ereka: I don't have --
Tony: It means, like, "Good wish for you," or something.
Shatner: Yeah. "Eat it!"
Tony: "Good will."
Shatner: No.
Ereka: "Eat it."
Shatner: It means, "Eat this!"
( Laughter )
Shatner: And, kreplach, you do.
Tony: Come on! I wanna get --
Ereka: Okay. On Bill's 1968 album, "The Transformed Man," he covered which popular Beatles song?
( Shatner and Danza both hammer their ringers )
Tony: Ohh, no!
Shatner: Ayyyy!
Tony: Ohhh, no!
Shatner: Simultaneous!
Tony: Nooo, no! I got you!
Shatner: My side --
Tony: "Lucy in the sky with diamonds."
Ereka: Yeah.
( Danza does a victory dance. Shatner does a jig. )
Ereka: All right. Ready? Question number six: "Bill --
( Shatner throttles his ringer )
Ereka: He's very confident! Here we go.
( Danza laughs along with the audience )
Tony: Go ahead, give him the question.
Shatner: Come on!
Ereka: Bill's 1965 film, "Incubus," is the only American movie, in history, spoken entirely in what language?
( Shatner hesitates... )
Tony: OoOOohh!
Ereka: Oh, dear.
Shatner: "Esperanto."
Tony: Oh, you dog.
( Cheers and applause from the left )
Ereka: All right, guys. I'm sorry, time is up. We have to go to Final Shatner.
Tony: Final Shatner!
Shatner: Final Shatner.
Ereka: The score is 3 to 2. Okay --
Tony: Oh, geez, I need --
Shatner: Three to two.
Tony: I need this one.
Ereka: Yes, and in Final Shatner there's only one question; whoever gets it right, wins.
Tony: Oh!
Shatner: Okay.
Ereka: You have to write down your answer -- and no cheating!
Shatner (to Tony): No cheating!
Ereka: In episode 63 of "Star Trek"...
Tony (to Shatner): Don't cheat!
Ereka: ...called "For the World is Hollow, and I Have Touched the Sky," Doctor McCoy tells Captain Kirk that he has a rare space disease. Name that disease.
( Star Trek theme song is played. Applause. )
Audience chants and claps: Tony!... Tony!... Tony!...
Ereka: Okay, time's up. Let's see your answer. Shatner -- Mr. Shatner -- you first.
Shatner: Shatner.
Ereka: Shatner.
Shatner (holds up answer card): "Hemorrhoids."
( Laughter )
Tony (with a tone of victory): Ah-ha!
Ereka: "Ah," that's not right.
Shatner: Well, it was towards the end of the season.
Tony (holds up card): I think it's "Polytheocemia."
Ereka: What are you guys talking about? Neither! The right answer is "xeno-polythenisemi..." I can't even say it.
Tony: Wait a minute. I'm clo--... Say it again.
Ereka: Here. (Hands over answer card.) Say that.
Shatner: You're such a cheater!
Tony: Oh, I forgot the "xeno."
Shatner: You were fed this answer, and you can't remember it!
( Laughter )
Shatner: It was hemorr--
Tony: I'll tell you what -- I'll tell you what...
Shatner: I have to repeat my line: It was hemorrhoids, and it was towards the end of the season.
Tony: Tell you... Yeah, okay. Anyway. You know what, everybody is getting the CD player.
( Applause )
Tony: Bill, thank you so much. Oh, what fun. I love you. You are the greatest. Hey, "Boston Legal" airs Sunday nights, on ABC; and his new CD, "Has Been," is in stores right now.
( Applause )
Tony: We'll be right back. Thanks, Bill, I appreciate it.
(Cheers and applause. End of William Shatner's segment.)
"Has Been"
"Has Been"
"Has Been"
"Has Been"
"Has Been" |
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