Jimmy Kimmel: Our first guest tonight is an author, director, singer, poet, two-time Emmy Award winning actor, and most excitingly of all...
( He flubs "excitingly". Audience laughs )
Kimmel: I wish we could start again, but we can't. He just gave birth to his first kidney stone. That's right. You can see him play Denny Crane here on ABC, every Tuesday night at 10 o'clock. The show is called "Boston Legal." Please say hello to Captain James "T.J. Hooker" Kirk, William Shatner, everbody!
( Cheers and applause )
William Shatner
Kimmel: How are you?
Shatner: The word "exciting" does not come trippingly off your t-t-t-tongue, does it?
Kimmel: It really, no...it does not. My elocution is poor. I said that right, though.
Shatner: But your brain is good.
Kimmel: My brain is a little bit soft, but it works, mostly.
Shatner: So, both your lips and your brain are soft.
Kimmel: Yes, they are. Thank you. Thank you for saying so.
Shatner: No, no, I was just following you.
Kimmel: I don't feel like people get how soft my lips are, over the television. But it's nice of you to say.
Shatner: If you get any closer to me, I'll scream.
( Laughter )
Kimmel: You look great. I like that.
Shatner: Oh, well thanks.
Kimmel: I like that shirt and the handkerchief and everything.
( Camera goes to fans holding up sign in audience )
Shatner sees something in the audience
Fan sign: "Denny Crane for President"
Kimmel: Oh, look at this. You got some, uh, "Denny Crane for President."
Shatner: For president, yes.
Kimmel: There you go.
Shatner: That's what I need.
Kimmel: That would be...
Shatner: We got enough trouble.
Kimmel: That would be something. Yeah. You're okay, I see. I was worried that, perhaps, you wouldn't be in the best of health. But...
Shatner: No, no -- health has nothing to do with it.
Kimmel: With a kidney stone?
Shatner: No. It's just, like, very painful.
Kimmel: Oh.
Shatner: So, you go through an enormous amount of pain.
Kimmel: How painful is it? I've heard it's the most painful thing.
Shatner: I'm, like, macho...
Kimmel: Yeah.
Shatner: You don't cry. You know: Stand forth; you protect. You get the meat, cook it over the fire.
Kimmel: You're the captain.
Shatner: I'm the captain, that's exactly right. So, I thought, "Oh, it's a little gas. No, that's a big... No! That's more -- OH, MY GOD!"
( Laughter )
Shatner describes the pain
"OH, MY GOD!"
Shatner: And I started screaming.
Kimmel: Really?
Shatner: Yeah. Then they gave me morphine, and they took me to the hospital. And the hospital was crowded. So, they got a gurney -- it was some gurney that they put pregnant women in.
Kimmel: Oh, really? (laughs)
Shatner: The stirrups.
Kimmel: Oh, wow.
Shatner: So, they're wheeling me through the hospital. My legs are in the stirrups.
( Laughter )
"My legs are in the stirrups"
Shatner: And I'm screaming. And somebody says, "Look, there goes Captain Kirk, he's having a baby!"
( Laughter and applause )
Shatner: Very, very embarrassing. And I gave birth to a little black thing.
"There goes Captain Kirk, he's having a baby!"
Kimmel: Oh, wow. Maybe you can get Angelina Jolie to adopt it. That means something, right?
Shatner: (laughing) That was really good, Jimmy.
Kimmel: Thank you. I'm starting to sharpen.
Shatner: All the soft lips and soft brain stuff, forget about it. That was a good joke.
Kimmel: Can I have that kidney stone? Do you still have that?
Shatner: Uh, it's in the...you know... it's in the lab.
Kimmel: Oh, it's in the lab.
Shatner: Well, they have to analyze to see what it was that caused -- because there's, like, 20 kinds of...
Kimmel: Oh, really?
Shatner: Yeah. So, mine was calcium, the most common. And, yes, you can have it.
Kimmel: I would love to have it, thank you.
Shatner: Why?
Kimmel: I just...I don't know.
Shatner: No...
Kimmel: I want to own it. It's the ultimate "Star Trek" collectible, I think.
( Laughter )
Kimmel: You know, it's like a real...
Shatner: That's very funny.
Kimmel: ...that's a dilithium crystal, right there, right?
Shatner: The softness comes and goes -- now, it's hard and brilliant again.
Kimmel: Yeah.
Shatner: It's the ultimate "Star Trek" collectible. But, that's worth money. Why don't we give that money to charity?
Kimmel: Absolutely. I would...that would be great. We should...
( Applause )
Kimmel: Or, we could shoot it into space.
Shatner: How much?
Kimmel: Who knows? What could be...
Shatner: I know.
Kimmel: What do you think people would pay for that?
Shatner: Well, if you put it on eBay.
Kimmel: Yeah. And maybe have Clay Aiken sign it.
( Laughter )
Shatner: Does he write small, like on the head of a pin?
Kimmel: I think he does. I think he could. Well, we'll think about it. We'll talk about that. Maybe we'll do that. Yeah. That would be something.
Shatner: No, I don't want to do "maybe." On the air.
Kimmel: Oh, let's do it.
Shatner: Make me an offer.
Kimmel: I'm ready to do it. Absolutely. Absolutely. Are you kidding me? That would be the greatest thing ever.
Shatner: I'll get the stone, you sell it. We give the money to a charity that we both name. Half to one, half to the other.
Kimmel: Absolutely. Last time I saw you was at a charity event. You have a great charity event, you do here every year.
Shatner: Every April -- the Hollywood Charity Horse Show. We take care of a lot of kids who are in need.
Kimmel: It really is a great charity, and you performed with Ben Folds at the show.
Shatner: I know, we did our record.
Kimmel: It was great!
Shatner: Oh, that's wonderful.
Kimmel: It really was fantastic to watch. I was wishing it went on longer.
Shatner: Well, we did a lengthy concert, here, left them 30 minutes, screaming. Elvis had left the house. We didn't have anymore numbers to sing. I didn't know anything else.
Kimmel: You should do one...you do the spoken -- (to audience) if you haven't heard the album, he does a spoken word sort of thing over Ben Folds' piano playing and backing vocals.
Shatner: Ben is the genius musician. So, that concert was filmed, and we're making it into a reality show -- so, it's a concert and it segues into reality. It's going to be unique. "Shatner in Concert," on the TV Land cable thing, in January sometime.
Kimmel: I can't wait to see that.
Shatner: It's unique.
Kimmel: Yeah.
Shatner: Fantastic.
( Applause )
Kimmel: You can write a song about the kidney stone, because just hearing you talk about the pain of that kidney stone...
Shatner: No, pain -- you've got to write a song about pain. I mean, there's all kinds of pain, but nothing like the kidney stone.
Kimmel: Nothing like the kidney stone. There's your first line, right there: "All kinds of pain, but nothing like the kidney stone."
Shatner: And then, "home." Stone and home go there, you know? "And I want to go home."
( Laughter )
Shatner: "With my kidney stone." You know.
( Laughter )
Shatner: "And put it on eBay, which would be a little fey, but what do you say?"
Kimmel: "What do you say?" I like it a lot.
Shatner: I got it. I got that song, right now.
Kimmel: Speaking of fey: George Takei, your former...
( Shatner lurches backward into chair. Audience laughs )
Kimmel: "Speaking of fey: George Takei..."
Kimmel: ...your former crew mate -- announced, he came out of the closet.
Shatner: I know.
Kimmel: A couple of weeks ago.
Shatner: At the age of 70, he came out of the closet.
Kimmel: That is something else.
Shatner: A little wizened...
Kimmel: Yeah.
Shatner: A little wizened, 70-year-old guy says "I'm gay," and everybody said, "Who cares?"
( Laughter )
Kimmel: Is this something the crew knew about?
Shatner: Oh, I knew. I knew instantly.
Kimmel: You knew?
Shatner: Yeah. You know how I knew? Ask me how I knew!
"Ask me how I knew!"
Kimmel: How did you know?
Shatner: Because he kept setting his phaser on "fabulous!"
( Laughter and applause )
Kimmel: Yea, that's a dead giveaway.
Shatner: Is that a good joke, or what?
Kimmel: That is a good joke.
Shatner: That's almost as good as your joke.
Kimmel: That's better than mine.
( Laughter )
Kimmel: Yeah. Well, that had to be a shock to everyone.
Shatner: Oh, it...yeah.
Kimmel: And "Boston Legal" is really a terrific show.
Shatner: "Boston Legal"...
Kimmel: I think it's your best show ever, honestly. I love that show.
( Cheers and applause )
Kimmel: You're so great on it. And James Spader -- the two of you are fantastic.
Shatner: Candice Bergen. There's a whole litany of great performers there. Rene Auberjonois. Just a... all the other characters.
Kimmel: He used to be on "Benson."
Shatner: And one of the "Star Trek" manifestations.
Kimmel: He's not gay, is he?
Shatner: Rene?
Kimmel: Yeah.
Shatner: No -- he tried to kiss me, the other day.
( Laughter )
Kimmel: Now, speaking of try to kiss you, we have a clip here. This is you and James Spader -- or Denny Crane, rather, and James Spader.
Shatner: Yeah, be careful.
Kimmel: The setup, here, you sharing a bed for some reason?
Shatner: We are...he wants to and I don't...
Kimmel: You don't.
Shatner: ...because I'm macho-man.
Kimmel: There you go. Enough said. Here's macho-man and James Spader in "Boston Legal," Tuesday nights at ten, here on ABC.
William Shatner and James Spader
Alan Shore: Denny, night terrors, they can be potentially life-threatening.
Denny Crane: Because we're friends, I'm going to tell you something that nobody else knows: I'm homophobic.
Shore: I'm stunned.
Crane: I would do almost anything for you, but I cannot share my bed. Be a man -- get a girl.
Kimmel: There you go. "Be a man, get a girl." William Shatner, "Boston Legal," Tuesday nights. We'll be right back with the star of "Veronica Mars," Kristen Bell. Come on back.
Kimmel: Hey, were we are. We're back with William Shatner. "Staind" is on the show tonight. Our next guest plays a hard-boiled, teen detective who juggles pep rallies with blood-soaked murder scenes on her critically-acclaimed show "Veronica Mars." You can see it every Wednesday night at nine on UPN. Please welcome adorable little Kristen Bell, everybody
( Cheers and applause )
Shatner greets Kristen Bell
Kimmel: It's good to see you. This is your... You guys sang on the Emmys, both of you did this year.
Shatner: We did sing on the Emmys.
Kristen Bell: We did.
Kimmel: Yeah. Was that fun? Was that a good experience?
Shatner: (to Kristen) Was it a good experience?
Bell: Yeah, for me. I wore red leg-warmers.
Shatner: And so did I!
Bell: It's so weird!
( Later: How does vegan Kristen do holiday feasts? )
Kimmel: What are you going to do? Are you going to have somebody else make the turkey for you?
Bell: Yeah. I think my dad's going to probably make it. He's bringing the deep-fryer, so...
Kimmel: He is bringing... Oh, wow, he's going to deep-fry the turkey.
Bell: I guess we're going to deep-fry the turducken.
Kimmel: (to Shatner) Do you do that?
Shatner: Oh, the deep fry is a great way of cooking. It's blast-off, because you've got the peanut oil roiling, and then you hold the turkey over, and you drop the turkey in -- and blast off!
