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Transcript and images from Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Original broadcast: November 19, 2004
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Conan: Let me tell you about our show. You know our first guest, he's one of my favorites as Captain James T. Kirk. He's also in "Boston Legal."
( Cheers and applause )
Conan: And, listen to this -- he has a critically acclaimed rock 'n' roll album out, right now, which we were listening to today. Have you listened to this album?
Max Weinberg: It's really good.
Conan: It's really good. It's called "Has Been." William Shatner is on the show!
( Cheers and applause )
Conan: Ladies and gentlemen, clearly, we're screwing around a lot tonight. We're being silly. We're having a good time. But, I think it's time we all settle down for just a moment. Take a deep breath, get serious, because I think it's time, once again, we look into the future...
( Cheers and applause as William Shatner walks onto the set )
Shatner: The future, Conan?
Conan: That's right, William Shatner, let's all look to the future, all the way to the year 2000...
Chorus: "In the year 2000... In the year 2000..."
Conan: The Oscar ceremony will be even longer than ever, when host Anna Nicole Smith spends the first hour vomiting.
"In the year 2000..."
Shatner: The Clinton Presidential Library will open in Little Rock, featuring over 80 million items -- three of which were never inside Monica Lewinsky.
"In the year 2000..."
Conan: While eating at a restaurant, a New York Yankee player will administer the Heimlich Maneuver to a woman, prompting the headline, "Choking victim saves choking victim."
"In the year 2000..."
Shatner: The human race will finally receive a message from outer space -- a long, boring message... about home refinancing.
"In the year 2000..."
Conan: Star Jones and her new husband will shock those who feel their marriage is a sham, when they begin practicing an extremely passionate, physical, and loud sexual routine that neighbors refer to as "Chocolate Thunder."
"In the year 2000..."
Shatner: It will once again be okay to make fun of midgets, when midgets admit that they could grow up if they wanted to.
"In the year 2000..."
Conan: NBC will air its most challenging episode of "Fear Factor" ever, in which contestants are asked to swallow the notion that Clay Aiken is not gay.
"In the year 2000..."
Shatner: "Barely Legal" magazine will suffer a drop in readership when, instead of girls who just turned 18, they begin featuring immigrants whose work visas are about to expire.
"In the year 2000..."
Conan: People will stop using vacuum cleaners when they realize that dust is coming into their homes just to get sucked.
"In the year 2000..."
Shatner: Captain Kirk, Spock, Sulu, and the others, will reunite one last time when they agree to make "Star Trek Nine: The Last Payment on Shatner's Beach House."
( Laughter )
Conan: More with William Shatner when we return. We'll be right back!
( Cheers and applause. Commercial break. )
Conan: We're back, yes.
( Cheers and applause )
Conan: And what a show we have for you tonight. I'm sitting here with William Shatner. Nice to see you again.
Shatner: Thank you. "Boston Legal," Sunday nights, ABC at 10 o'clock.
Conan: Yeah.
( Applause )
Shatner: So long!
Conan: I was gonna get to that.
Shatner: No, I --
Conan: No, you know --
Shatner: I just wanted to be sure that that got in. Then I don't care what happens.
Conan: Yes, yes, yes.
( Light laughter )
Conan: Um. Yes.
Shatner: Talk to me. I'm so happy about your, uh, your marriage and your baby.
Conan: Yes, I have a little girl now.
Shatner: What's her name?
Conan: Neve.
Shatner: Oh, my god. What a name.
Conan: What?
( Laughter )
Shatner: Great name.
Conan: It's a nice name, yeah. Simple. Neve, yeah.
Shatner: Yeah, Neve.
Conan: Yeah.
Shatner: Gwyneth Paltrow's baby is Apple.
Conan: Yeah, she was on the show, and I didn't realize that. Her baby's name is Apple.
Shatner: If she'd married Brad Pitt, she'd have Apple Pitt.
( Laughter )
Conan: So, let me get this straight, you only inquired about my baby so you could make that joke?!
( Laughter )
Shatner: I am a very shallow person.
Conan: You're a very shallow man, a very shallow man. Now, listen, I have so much... there's so much going on in your life, in your career. It's stunning. But, before we get into all that, I have to ask you -- I always ask you kind of a nerdy "Star Trek" question. And I have to get it out of the way. I'll ask it right now.
Shatner: Okay.
Conan: Which is -- I read in an interview, a long time ago, that Dr. McCoy -- uh, DeForest Kelley, the actor -- he gave you the silent treatment for two years, during your time together making "Star Trek." Two years, he wouldn't talk to you on the set because he was furious with you. What was going on? Is that true, first of all?
Shatner: It is.
Conan: Yes. Yeah.
Shatner: I mean, I didn't... I didn't... I was a friend. I wanted to be his friend.
Conan: Yeah, and he was mad at you. Why was he so mad at you?
Shatner: He... he... he got angry easily.
Conan: Mm-hmm.
Shatner: And... and... it was over his dog.
Conan: His dog. What happened?
Shatner: He walked his dog, every morning.
Conan: Mm-hmm.
Shatner: And he came in one morning, to the makeup room, and he was crying.
Conan: Mm-hmm.
Shatner: I said, "What happened?" He said, "My dog is dead."
Conan: What -- aw.
Shatner: Exactly. That was my reaction. "What -- what happened?" He said, "I was walking my little..." -- uh, what do you call them? A little, uh, Chihuahua.
Conan: Mm-hmm.
Shatner: "I was walking my little Chihuahua, and she got off the leash; and she started running around in the grass, and hit a sprinkler head and dropped dead."
( Audience laughter )
Conan: Hit a -- I've never heard of that! Hit a sprinkler head and dropped dead?
Shatner: You see what their (the audience) reaction was?
( Laughter )
Conan: People laughed.
Shatner: That's what I did.
Conan: You laughed!
( Laughter )
Shatner: He didn't talk to me for two years.
Conan: He was... Oh, my god! He must've been furious. Did he act like McCoy in that moment, and look up from the dog and go, "Jim, he's dead!"
( Laughter )
Conan: Did he do that?
Shatner: He tried to give the dog mouth-to-mouth, yeah.
Conan: Oh, god. So you laughed?
Shatner: I laughed.
Conan: When someone comes in, and they're crying, and they tell you their dog died, you have to try not to laugh.
Shatner: When their dog... their dog... their DOG...
Shatner: I think Dobermans are a dog.
Conan: Right.
Shatner: A Chihuahua is a rat.
( Laughter )
Conan (to audience): Please, if you're angry -- a lot of dog people get very... there are a lot of Chihuahua lovers --
Shatner: Yeah, but those people --
Conan (to audience): If you're angry about that comment, write to Will Shatner, care of "The View," and we'll, uh --
( Laughter )
Shatner: Those people's bark are worse than their bite!
( Conan laughs )
Conan: Ah, you! You're insane.
( Laughter )
Shatner: Yes.
Conan: You're insane. Now --
Shatner: But not enough.
Conan: Well, I got that out of the way.
Shatner: Okay, good, I'm glad.
Conan: I'm glad that you cleared that up for me.
Shatner: Yes, Frank is glad now.
Conan: Yeah. Yeah, now, you've always loved traveling. Your whole life, you've loved traveling.
Shatner: How did you know that?
Conan: I know that because we've talked about it many times.
Shatner: Oh.
Conan: Clearly, it had no impression on you. But --
( Laughter )
Conan: How many times have you been here --
Shatner: I'm surprised you were listening.
Conan: Yes, yes, I hang on every word. Uh, and so you've always talked about your love of travel. And now I'm told that you went on a safari.
Shatner: I did.
Conan: And that you had kind of a... it wasn't terrific. You had kind of a bad experience.
Shatner: Oh, I had a great experience. Dotted here and there by various, sort of, extraordinary moments.
Conan: Right, right. Well, give us an example of an extraordinary moment when you're on a safari.
Shatner: Uh, you're in a tent.
Conan: In a tent.
Shatner: In a tent, in the... on the veldt.
Conan: Right.
Shatner: You know, the prairie. I mean, there's just animals. And, you stay in your tent, you're okay; you come out of your tent, you're dead.
Conan: Right.
Shatner: It's that kind of thing.
Conan: Right.
Shatner: So, I --
Conan: So, you were killed. Is that what you're saying?
( Laughter )
Shatner: I'm a half-eaten replica of myself.
Conan: Yeah, yeah.
Shatner: So, I was in my tent, and there was a sound.
Conan: Right.
Shatner: And I got up, and I looked out; and it was a dark, palpable night.
Shatner: You could reach out and touch it. So I reached out, and I touched it; and there was something there.
Conan: What... what was it?
Shatner: Well, I kind of felt around, and felt around. Finally, I... and then I realized I was looking up at the tail end of an elephant.
Conan: It was that close to your tent?
Shatner: It was right up against it.
Conan: Yeah.
Shatner: Munching. And then I saw the tail lift.
( Laughter )
Conan: Oh, my -- No! What are you talking about?
Shatner: It was awful.
Conan: Yeah, I --
( Laughter )
Conan: You bring such dramatic resonance to your tales. That was --
Shatner: That was the elephant tail. You should've heard my tail!
( Laughter )
Conan: Ahh! So, the elephant relieved itself on you?
Shatner: And passed wind. *phffft*
Conan: Right, right. So, that was a bad experience is what you're saying?
Shatner: No, actually, that was one of the good ones. I, uh --
( Laughter )
Shatner: You should've been on that trip. It was awful.
Conan: Right. We have a little comedy routine going here. Uh, you have this album -- we have to talk about this record, "Has Been." You've come out with this record, and every single review -- and I don't just mean reviews in small papers or magazines here and there -- all of the big names in the recording industry have come out and said this is one of their favorite albums of the year. I heard about this; I got the record; I started listening to it today, and there's a lot of great music on this.
Shatner: Yeah. Ben Folds wrote the music and collaborated. I mean, I wrote the words, most of them; and he wrote the music, most of it.
Conan: And it just worked out. You started working together, I guess, on a commercial. And then it --
Shatner: Well, actually, further back than that. He had an album called the "Fear of Pop," and he wrote a number for me, "White Oleander," and that's where we met. And "White Oleander" was a very successful experience for both of us. And then we continued to work together.
Conan: You've said that you -- that performing live -- that, when you perform music live, that you feel like an Oreo cookie. I don't know what that means.
( Light laughter )
Conan: It stunned me into silence, as well. What do you mean, you feel like an Oreo cookie when you're performing music live, exactly?
Shatner: Well, I want to eat an Oreo -- I feel like an Oreo cookie, as against a muffin. No, no, I'm only joking.
Conan: I hope so, because then I'd have to have people come in here and take you away...
( Laughter )
Conan: ...if you'd meant that seriously.
Shatner: Or add a laugh track, right?
Conan: Right.
Shatner: From behind, there's this energy. Rock 'n' roll... I've discovered rock 'n' roll.
Conan: Yes.
Shatner: I mean, it sounds... bizarre.
Conan: Yeah.
Shatner: But --
Conan: But, relatively late in life, you've discovered the power of rock 'n' roll.
Shatner: Relatively late in life, right.
Conan: Yes, that's what I meant, relatively. Yeah, yeah, you're gonna be around for a long time.
Shatner: Well, not at this rate. So, there's this energy coming from behind, the rock 'n' roll band. And there's this drummer... (to Max Weinberg) Let me hear a riff...
( Max Weinberg beats on his drums... )
Shatner: Yeah -- bam, boom, bang! Wow! The energy that comes forth from that.
Conan: Right.
Shatner: Then there's the energy from the audience. They're like, "Wow, yes! Whoa, whoa!"
( Cheers and applause. Shatner cues more drum beats. )
Shatner: Wow!
Conan: So, what you're saying is that -- the band's behind you, pushing you one way...
Shatner: You got it.
Conan: The crowd is pushing the other --
Shatner: Pushing you the other way, and you're like in the center of an Oreo cookie. And I've discovered the secret of it all.
Conan: Mm-hmm.
Shatner: It's sex!
( Laughter )
Shatner: Am I right? Is rock 'n' roll sex, or not?
( Cheers and applause )
Shatner (gyrating): The musicians are going, "Yeah! Whoa! Nyah-ha!" And --
Conan: What kind of musicians have you hired? Are they perverts?!
( Laughter )
Conan: What musicians are going like, "Rrrar, Rrrrr" --
( Laughter )
Shatner (to band): Give me a little bit.
Weinberg: What?
Shatner: Go on, give me a... sex... give me a... pelvis --
( Drumming. Thumping. Grinding beat. Cheers and applause. )
Shatner: That's called a basic beat -- a tom-tom, throbbing...
Conan: Listen, listen --
( Laughter )
Shatner: ...expulsion of energy.
Conan: This is a family show, and I will not have that kind of talk here! Throbbing and thrusting is not --
Shatner: Get me Mr. Powell!
Conan: Yeah, yeah. This is a... that's a --
Shatner: But, that's what rock 'n' roll is.
Conan: Yes. Yes.
Shatner: I discovered it late in life.
Conan: Yeah.
Shatner: That, and sex.
Conan: Yeah.
( Laughter )
Conan: Clearly, you didn't get out much. Um, I listened to this record, and here's something -- you've performed before. You've sang before. You have a very distinct vocal style...
Shatner: Apparently.
Conan: ...that you can't really... it's not really singing.
Shatner: No.
Conan: And it's not really speaking.
Shatner: No.
Conan: It's just... Shatner. Is that fair to say?
( Laughter )
Shatner: I would say you could do anything in a Shatner.
Conan: Yeah, yeah. It almost feels like you... it doesn't matter, you don't even probably need a good song. Anything you do, you can sort of bring life to as William Shatner.
Shatner: I'd like to think that.
Conan: Yeah, yeah.
Shatner: Well, I mean, like... what?
Conan: Well, we... I was thinking about this earlier today, and I thought... I bet if you... this is a song that a lot of kids learned.
Shatner: Yeah.
Conan: I bet -- "Eensy Weensy Spider" -- I bet you could do "Eensy Weensy Spider" Shatner-style, and it would be a whole new thing.
Shatner: I'll try.
Conan: Yeah, let's hear this, right now.
( Cheers and applause. Shatner cues the band. )
Shatner: "Itsy bitsy spider..."
Conan: Itsy bitsy spider.
Shatner: "Climbed up the waterspout. Down came the rain, and washed the spider out. Out came the sun; dried up all the rain. And, the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again. Yeah!"
( Shatner stands, as big-band music swells, to audience applause and delight... )
Shatner: "Hey, itsy bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout. Down came the rain, and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain, and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up that spout again!"
Conan: Yeah! Yeah!
( Cheers and applause )
Conan: Let's get Jesus out here! Bring him out!
An actor, dressed as Jesus Christ with a shotgun, drives by: Whoo-hoo! Yeehaw! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
(Cheers and applause. End of William Shatner's segment.)
"Has Been"
"Has Been"
"Has Been"
"Has Been"
"Has Been" |
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