 
The skit opens with Dick Cheney on the telephone with George W. Bush...
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Cheney: Yes, Mr. President. Yes, Condoleezza testifies this morning. You're right, she does have nothing to hide that you know of.
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Cheney: What's that? You have an idea? New nickname for Kerry? "Flippy," 'cause he flip-flips. That's good. "Flippy the Flip-Flopper?" Well, that may be a little long, sir. Yes. Yes, "Floppy" is also good. Yes, it is a difficult choice. I'll await your decision, sir. Well, right now, Condi wanted to see me before the hearing, so... She should try to work in "Flippy"? All right, sir. She's coming in. Thank you.
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Cheney: Hello, Condi. It's a big day. Please, sit down.
Rice: Yes, sir.
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Cheney: This is wonderful.
Rice: Yes, Mr. Vice President, it is. Frankly, I'm still a little concerned about testifying in public.
Cheney: Ah, it's a piece of cake. You're well prepared. It's all attitude. Just keep it upbeat. Show me that Condi smile...Ah, it's a piece of cake. You're well prepared. It's all attitude. Just keep it upbeat. Show me that Condi smile...
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Cheney: Heh, heh, heh. That's perfect. Now show me the sneer when a democrat gets too specific...
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Cheney: Heh, heh, heh. That's excellent. You're incredulous. Good.
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Cheney: Good, good. Now smile. Heh, heh, heh. Condi, you are all set.
Rice: Really.
Cheney: Oh, here are a couple of words, just to drop in anywhere: "Systemic"... "Historical"... "Actionable"... "Flippy the Flip-Flopper." Work those in.
Rice: Sir, with all due respect, I'm still not certain how to address some of these facts.
Cheney: Two words: "It's classified!" Heh, heh, heh.
Rice: But, they have information like the titles of the President's briefing on August 6th.
Cheney: No problem. What was that again?
Rice: "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States."
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Cheney: Okay, that's bad. Uhm. All right, let's practice. When they make you say that title, there's gonna be an audible gasp in the room -- so you gotta cough. Cover up the gasp. Okay, let's practice. I'm Ben-Veniste. "Miss Rice, can you tell us the name of the PDB?"
Rice: "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States."
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Cheney: *gasp*
Rice: *cough*
Cheney: *gasp* *gasp* *gasp*
Rice: *cough* *cough* *cough*
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Cheney: By God, that was good. But, you know, the gasp might be a little longer than that, so just count to five Mississippi.
Rice: Okay. And if that doesn't work?
Cheney: The important thing is to get through it and get back on message: Dick Clarke does heroin.
Rice: What?
Cheney: Yeah, bigtime junkie. Popular guy in Thailand...
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Rice: And we can prove this?
Cheney: I'd love to, but... "It's classified!"
Rice: I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President, but I still have my doubts.
Cheney: Yeah, I know. Look, if all else fails, I did have one other idea that I think would work.
Rice: Yes, please, what is that?
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Cheney: Well, I think you should flash a boob.
Rice: Excuse me?!
Cheney: Just one headlight, real quick. Heh, heh, heh. See, it does two things: You win over the liberals, plus it's a distraction for the press. You flash a bazoom, I guarantee you that's gonna be the headline -- not the Bin Laden thing. I guarantee it!
Rice: Sir, I was a provost at Stanford, I am a concert-level pianist, I've read "War and Peace" in original Russian...
Cheney: Ah, loosen up, Condi. We're talking about one fun-bag. Perfectly natural.
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Rice: I am not a prude, sir, but this hearing is not the forum for that kind of lewd conduct! There are other forums -- like pay television, or national sporting championships -- that would be fine, but I am the National Security Advisor.
Cheney: You're right. I'm sorry. It was Ashcroft's idea! Heh, heh, heh. Condi, you're gonna be fine.
Rice: Thank you, sir.
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Kean: Thank you very much, Dr. Rice. I appreciate your statement, your attendance, and your service. All right, a couple of questions. As we understand it, when you first came into office you'd just been through a very difficult campaign. You walk in and Dick Clarke is talking about Al-Qaeda should be our number one priority. What did you think, and what did you tell the President, as you hit that kind of, I suppose, new information for you?
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Rice: Well... ah.. uhm... uh... er...
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*rrrrrrip*
Janet: "Live from New York..."
"...it's Saturday Night!"
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