Wayne: Right know, we're going to segue from J.C. (Chasez) to one of the original teen idols, all the way from "Star Trek." What kind of segue was that? From "T.J. Hooker."
(Audience laughs)
Wayne: See, you have to be of a certain age. You guys are like, "T.J. Hooker? Can he say that in daytime? Isn't the FCC cracking down on T.J. hookers?"
(Laughter)
Wayne: Our first guest is no stranger to audiences everywhere. You know his voice as soon as you hear his voice. And now he's back on TV, playing a lawyer who has a strange technique when it comes to hiring employees on "The Practice." Let's take a look...
Denny Crane: "Turn around, please. Lips real?"
"Yes. Yours?"
Crane: "Let me tell you something, we hire only pretty people in this firm. Pretty people get better results. Pretty girls get me aroused. I think more clearly when I'm aroused. Are you a pretty girl?"
Wayne: Please welcome William Shatner!
(Cheers and applause)
Bill: So, I didn't... I didn't know how to dress for this show. So, I thought, "Should I wear a shirt and tie? Should I come in a T-shirt?" Now I'm looking at you, and I'm thinking I should have worn a shirt.
Wayne: No, I like what you did. I like this. I didn't expect you to come out in the denim blazer. Look at you. First off, you have the denim blazer. "Turn around!" Turn around. Yes!
(Cheers and applause)
Wayne: "William Shatner is modeling the spring ensemble: Denim jacket, with a white polo shirt, with the beige pants, and observe the shoes."
Bill: Observe the shoes, they have jets behind them.
Wayne: They have jets.
Bill: And I just levitate whenever I want to.
Wayne: That's because he can, ladies and gentlemen.
Bill: Because I can levitate.
Wayne: You can levitate. So, tell me...
Bill: Yes?
Wayne: How did you get to be...
Bill: Me?
Wayne: How did you get to be you?
Bill: I was born.
Wayne: No! "The Practice", it just seems -- it's such a cool fit. But, I didn't see it coming. I didn't see it coming.
Bill: "You didn't see it coming, but you had a vision, I'm sure, that, perhaps..." David Kelley is the resident genius of television.
Wayne: Yes, he is.
Bill: He's been responsible for so many great shows. I heard his name mentioned, again and again. But, I'd never seen "The Practice." I didn't watch.
Wayne: Blasphemer!
Bill: Yes!
Wayne: You have to see "The Practice." What a great show.
Bill: Yes. Well, I have now. So, I've caught up. I'm a revivalist now.
Wayne: I see.
Bill: So, he wanted to talk to me; and he talked to me, and, we... he said he's got this character that he's writing, and would I be interested? So, it all worked out. And it's a happening; it's a kind of fabulous, sort of... happening. He's writing. I'm acting. And, it's like, he's doing it while we're doing it. He's writing as we go along.
Wayne: That's...
Bill: It's kind of strange.
Wayne: You lost me about four sentences ago!
(Laughter)
Bill: Well, I'll find you soon, I know.
Wayne: Now, how does it feel to be doing a series again?
Bill: Well, I didn't want to do a series. I've sort of stayed away from doing another series. So many people get involved, and that's all their life is. It's totally absorbing, with the number of words you have to learn, and words you have to give out. And publicity -- you have to go on "Wayne Brady Shows" and things like that.
Wayne: I know.
Bill: So, it's all-consuming and I didn't want to do that. But, this was so intriguing.
Wayne: How could you say no?
Bill: That was it. So, you had a vision of my not saying no?
Wayne (in an evangelist voice): "I had a vision, brother, and I say yay to you. I've seen you on the TV screen."
Bill: You do that well.
Wayne: Why thank you, very much. So, now you're pulling double-duty. You're doing "The Practice", and now you're filming the sequel to one of my -- and not just because you're on the show...
Bill: But...
Wayne: But I love it!
Bill: But, it doesn't hurt to be on your show while you're saying this!
Wayne: It is one of my favorite movies, "Miss Congenialty." You guys remember that? With Sandra Bullock?
(Audience cheers)
Wayne: I love Sandra Bullock. I love Sandra Bullock!
Bill: No, no, I'm first in line. I love Sandra Bullock. She is one of the great gals.
Wayne: She's amazing.
Bill: Yeah.
Wayne: So, if you're reprising your role, is Candice Bergen reprising hers as well?
Bill: You know, they're not there. I don't understand that, but, no, she's not.
Wayne: She got carted off to jail in the other one.
Bill: Yeah, I know. I saw the film!
Wayne: Oh, yeah!
(Laughter)
Bill: I don't know why. Some of them are not back, some of them are.
Wayne: Now, what I wanted to ask you -- and I don't know if you've been asked this on other talk shows, but, I was wondering -- after "Star Trek"... "Star Trek" pretty much made you a household name. Everyone knew...
Bill: But, so is "Comet." So is "Mr. Clean."
Wayne: So, I thought, like a fan, that, pretty much, after you finished "Star Trek"...
Bill: "That's it."
Wayne: No. No, no. That you were, like, going on; and you're living fabulously, and there are other jobs.
Bill: Yes.
Wayne: But, you actually had to, uh -- did I just say "living fabulously"?
(Laughter)
Wayne: That was a... a...
Bill: That's a name of a show.
Wayne: Yes, it is.
Bill: "In Living Fabulously."
Wayne: But, you had to struggle for your job after "Star Trek." That you had to find employment.
Bill: Oh, you're referring to a... bottoming out.
Wayne: Yes, a dip...
Bill: A dip. A dip in the old income. There was a... yeah, but that was years ago. And things bottomed out. But then the graft took an upward rise, I feel.
Wayne: So, was the next spike, after that, it was "T.J. Hooker"?
Bill: Yeah.
Wayne: Which was a great show, by the way. And (to the audience) you kids...
(Audience cheers and applause)
Bill: Now they're applauding, but there was a sort of quizzical silence when you mentioned it first.
Wayne: Oh, yeah. "T.J. Hooker..."
Bill: "What's that?"
Wayne: You, and Adrian Zmed, and Heather Locklear. That was appointment TV in my house. Because, as much as I love you, Heather Locklear in a tight cop outfit -- come on. Arrest me! That was great. That was a good show.
Bill: "Put your hands in the air."
Wayne: Yeah!
Bill: "Put your hands down. Put your hands out."
Wayne: It's okay, officer, I'll, yeah... sure, sure, sure.
Bill: "Lean up against the..."
Wayne: Car!
Bill: Oh, you've been there?
Wayne: Yeah, once or twice.
Bill: (laughs)
Wayne: Hey, folks, we have more with Mr. William Shatner, as soon as we come back. Stick around. William Shatner!
(Cheers and applause. Commercial ad break...)
Roddenberry on Patrol
|
|
Roddenberry on Patrol
"THIS IS FLAT OUT THE FUNNIEST TREK SPOOF OF ALL TIME!
A must-see for any fan of Trek."
-- Dan Marsden, Founder & President, Official Star Trek Fan Club.
|
Wayne: Welcome back. I'm excited. I'm here with Mr. William Shatner.
(Cheers)
Wayne: Now, you're involved in a charity that you're very passionate about, and I wanted to talk about it before we go any further.
Bill: Yeah, I wanted to just say that I put on two charity events a year. One is the fifth-largest horse show in the United States now, or fifth-largest horse show in the discipline, I mean -- reining. And, a week from this Saturday night -- at the Los Angeles Equestrian Center, in Burbank -- we put on a charity that benefits three children's charities, physically and emotionally challenged children. And what I wanted to do was say "Wells Fargo Hollywood Charity Horse Show."
Wayne: Right.
Bill: Baja Fresh is feeding the kids. Factor's Deli is feeding the party afterwards in which we're raising funds. And ABC, Priceline, Sebastiani, and Factor's Deli. These are major sponsors, and I wanted to mention them on your show and thank them. How great they are, to give funds.
(Applause)
Bill: Wells Fargo, a giant corporation, is meaningful in the community, and I can't thank them enough. It is the Wells Fargo Hollywood Charity Horse Show. There are tickets available; fairly expensive, but a... uh... a... concert. Heh. That's the word!
(Laughter)
Bill: A concert is being given by a dear friend of mine, who is, uh...
(Shatner reaches for a page of notes)
Wayne: "My dear friend is, uh... oh, hold on... I can't seem to..."
(Laughter)
Bill: I went blank on his name. Brad Paisley! Brad Paisley.
Wayne: Brad Paisley! (To the audience) You guys know Brad Paisley, the country artist.
(Applause)
Bill: Brad Paisley is giving a concert at this party. And, you go and buy tickets -- people should come in and buy tickets. The other event is the paintball event, on Labor Day weekend.
Wayne: "Spplat Attack."
Bill: "Spplat Attack," which raises money for the same charities.
Wayne: Now, I was supposed to come and do "Spplat Attack" last year.
Bill: You did something so awful -- I can't believe it!
Wayne: Aww!
Bill: Are you ashamed of yourself?
Wayne: I am ashamed of myself.
Bill: Tell the audience what you did.
Wayne: I had to pull out of the tournament, of the event, at the very last minute, because I had another commitment come up.
Bill: You've got to come this year, and we'll put you... you'll be the captain of a team.
Wayne: Really?
Bill: Yeah! There's fifteen hundred people going to be there. It's scenario paintball, man! Do you know what scenario paintball is?
Wayne: It's paintball with a story?
Bill: No! It's paintball with a... you're devious, and you're Machiavellian!
Wayne: Machiavellian?!
Bill: Machiavellian!!
Wayne: How dare you!
Bill: I'm telling you!
(Laughter and applause)
Bill: I went... I had to go and splat the commander of the other team. And what I...
Wayne: Was it Mancow?
(Shatner clutches his chest, seemingly in pain.)
Bill: I faked a heart attack and got him.
Wayne: You just... you almost...
Bill: I got him, just like that!
Bill: And that's scenario paintball at its best.
(Cheers and applause)
Wayne: I'm so mad at you right now, William Shatner.
Bill: I got you, Wayne.
Wayne: All I could see was, "Bill Shatner dies on Wayne Brady's show."
Bill: No, what's worse is, "Wayne Brady's show dies." That's worse.
Wayne: Well, true. Oh, my god. You are -- you're good.
(Laughter)
Wayne: You're good.
Bill: That's how I've made my living for a while.
Wayne: That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Hey, so, we both share this love of paintball.
Bill: Yeah.
Wayne: And I've talked about it before. I love paintball. It's a great sport.
Bill: In Joliet, this Labor Day weekend.
Wayne: In... Joliet?
Bill: Joliet. Near chicago.
Wayne: Oh, okay. Ooo, uh, I... When is Labor Day? I forget. It's, like, September?
Bill: It's like... it's like...
Wayne: September 9th, or September 11th?
Bill: No...
Audience member: May.
Wayne: May? It's not in May!
Bill: That's Memorial Day.
Wayne: Maybe that's some type of labor. Someone's working on that day!
Bill: It's Labor Day.
Wayne: Y'know, I think I'll be working, because...
Bill: No, you can't be working.
Audience: No!
Wayne: No, I'll tell...
Bill: Record the show.
Wayne: No, I'm going to be -- no, not here, because the show will be finished by then. I think I can talk about it now, because... but I'm going to be signing papers soon. I'm going to be appearing on broadway, in "Chicago."
(Loud cheers and applause)
Wayne: Yeah. That's what I'm going to be doing.
Bill: But, wait a minute. Wait a minute!
(Shatner applauds Wayne)
Bill: Wait a minute! It works like a dream, because the game is on Sunday.
Wayne: The game is Sunday?
Bill: And you're dark Sunday.
Wayne: No, we have matinees on Sunday.
Bill: No, you have to be dark, Sunday.
(Laughter)
Wayne: You know what? I will check. If I'm dark, I'm your man -- I'm a team captain.
Bill: Okay.
Wayne: I promise you.
Bill: All right. Done.
Wayne: I promise you. But, until then, let's practice. I took the liberty of going out and getting a couple of paintball guns, just to show people the skill. Just to show you folks the skill. Now, I know there are mothers at home going, "Oh, it's a gun! It's a gun!"
Bill: No, no, it's not that, at all.
Wayne: No, it isn't. It isn't. This is a paintball "marker," and paintball is a great sport. And it's called a marker.
Bill: It's called a marker, not a gun.
Wayne: You always wear your helmet.
Bill: Always -- protection and everything.
Wayne: You always wear your helmet.
Bill: But, you don't need it here because we're not going to be firing that against each other. Safety.
Wayne: No, we're doing target practice.
Bill: I know. The balls are going that way, not that way.
Wayne: Yeah, but, I think I need to because you're shooting. So, I need...
(Laughter)
Bill: Okay. (laughs)
Wayne: Okay, so, just to show...
Bill: So, it's a marker.
Wayne: Just to show proper safety for paintball, I am going to wear the helmet.
Bill: Okay.
Wayne: Plus, it looks really cool, right?
(Cheers and applause)
Wayne: So, I'm going to give you... so, we're going to take...
Bill: All right. Is there a safety here?
Wayne: We're going to take five shots and see who hits the most.
Bill: Okay.
Wayne: And then, we'll total up the points.
Bill: But, when you say five shots...
Wayne: And, it's going to be moving.
Bill: Right.
Wayne: So, band, put on your goggles. Stop talking. Put your goggles on.
Bill: Is there a safety? No, I don't think so.
Wayne: No, the saftey's off... I haven't used these.
Bill: Hold on. Nor I.
Wayne: Yeah, the safety's on. Hold on. Hold on.
Bill: Are we on the air? (laughs)
Wayne: The safety's off, right now.
Bill: Okay.
Wayne: So, I'll give you a couple of practice shots, first. Ready?
(Shatner shoots)
Wayne: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey! That's like... that's like... that's like 4,000 points!
(Cheers and applause. Wayne shoots.)
Bill: Whoa!
(Bill and Wayne rapid-fire their paintball markers.)
Wayne: Look at that. Nothing but forties, baby. Nothing but forties!
Bill: Nothing but... oh, you were aiming at numbers!
Wayne: Exact... Oh!... (laughs)
Bill: (laughs)
(Laughter)
Wayne: Folks, you have to be sure to catch William Shatner on "The Practice." That's appointment TV. Sunday nights, 10 o'clock on ABC. This Labor Day, check out Celebrity Paintball, we may be doing it together. Mr. William Shatner, he's the best!
(Cheers and applause. End of Shatner's segment.)
